


When The Darkness Comes

by sappho3010



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Malec, Death, Depression, Downworlder Dad Magnus Bane, Eating Disorders, Hurt Raphael Santiago, M/M, Saphael, Simon Lewis Has Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-03 02:04:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17275034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sappho3010/pseuds/sappho3010
Summary: Rosa Santiago's death sends Raphael over the edge.





	1. Cloudy Eyed Stroll

Simon really had no business being out at such an obscure hour, but he simply needed to clear his head. He was restless and figured what’s the worst thing that could happen to him now that he’s a vampire. It’s not like he had to exactly worry about getting mugged or jumped. 

And so, he found himself taking a stroll through the park before stopping in his tracks. Sitting on the park bench up ahead was another vampire, but not just any vampire; it was Raphael Santiago. He decided it would be wise to just turn the other way. He’d done enough damage, and it was probably best that he tried not to provoke the clan leader further. However, being Simon, he also decided to not be wise, and therefore he slowly made his way over to the bench to approach Raphael. 

When he found himself standing over Raphael, his eyes were closed and he didn’t even need to open them before saying “go away, fledgling.” 

Much to Simon’s surprise, he didn’t seem particularly angry or even at his normal level of annoyance, which was a little bit suspicious. So, rather than simply doing as he was told, Simon decided to speak to the clan leader. 

“What are you doing here? It’s almost sunrise,” Simon pointed out, feeling a twinge of guilt about not revealing to Raphael how he had so miraculously acquired the ability to walk in the sun so soon after being turned. He knew that he had to keep his promise and he had a good reason for making it in the first place. Telling a single soul could put Jace and Clary’s lives in danger, but still, he recognized that the other wouldn’t even need to worry about sunrise if he simply told him the truth. 

Raphael then opened his eyes and immediately gave Simon an eye roll. This caused Simon to grow slightly alarmed, not because of this typical action of his, but because it was then that he noticed that Raphael had been crying. 

“I️ am well aware of what time it is, thanks,” Raphael replied in a bitter tone. 

Simon shrugged, balling his hands and shoving them into the pockets of his hoodie. 

“So, what exactly are you doing then?” Simon pried. 

Raphael sighed before pausing, allowing a moment of dead silence and stillness to pass. 

“I’m going to watch the sunrise,” he said wistfully, not providing further explanation upon Simon’s bewildered expression. Perhaps he didn’t even notice as his gaze was somewhere far away. 

Simon blinked and shook his head, trying to understand exactly what the other was saying, or, rather, how it made any sense. 

“Raph, you can’t. I️ mean you’re a-“ Simon started to point out before abruptly being cut off by the older vampire. 

“I know damn well what I️ am, and you of all people do not have the right to tell me what I️ can and can’t do,” he snapped. 

This caused Simon to grow even more worried. Raphael always had little patience, but still he was clearly even more on edge than usual. As a demonstration of his persistence, Simon moved from his position and took a seat next to Raphael. 

“I️ don’t want you here,” Raphael snarled, turning his head to look at the fledging. 

He then took looked away again, taking a moment to collect himself. He placed his hands on his knees and let out a deep exhale before speaking once again in a much calmer tone. 

“I️ just want to watch the sunrise one last time,” he said softly. 

Simon scrambled, moving toward the edge of the bench to get a better look at the other, hands shaking and eyes widening. 

“Raphael, what are you talking about? You’re starting to scare me,” Simon admitted. It had sounded almost as if the elder vampire was trying to- 

Raphael shook his head as more tears rolled down his cheeks. 

“She’s dead, Simon. My sister is dead along with my mother and all of my brothers. They’re all dead. Everyone’s dead. Hell, even I’m dead,” Raphael lamented. 

“Undead,” Simon corrected, gently placing a hand on the other’s knee. 

Raphael met Simon’s gaze. That was the same thing that Raphael had said to Simon the night he first turned. It was what he said to him when he wanted nothing more than to take away all of that pain and self hatred, but simply didn’t know how. Now the roles were reversed. Simon wanted so desperately to take Raphael’s pain away and to convince him to live, but he knew that he was the last person on the earth the older vampire would want to talk to. Still, he was there, and that would just have to be good enough. He would just have to be good enough.

“It’s not natural,” Raphael began. “Cheating death, living forever, watching everyone you loved in your old life grow old and die until you don’t have anymore family left.” 

Simon knew that this wasn’t about him, so he tried his best to brush off the weight of those words that indicated that he, too, would lose everyone and everything he ever loved someday one by one and there was nothing he could do about it. 

“You do have a family. You’re the one that told me that the clan is a family. Not to mention that you still have Magnus…” he started, trailing off when he saw the way that the clan leader jumped in alarm as a reaction to the mention of Magnus. 

“Listen to me, Simon, you can’t tell Magnus, okay? Tell him that after Rosa’s death I️ just couldn’t stay here anymore and had to go somewhere far away where I’d be better off,” Raphael explained. 

Simon shook his head. 

“I️ can’t-“ 

“You can,” Raphael interrupted. “You can and you will. Magnus is with that Shadowhunter now and…and as much as I️ hate to say it, he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time and I️ can’t ruin that for him.” 

“Then don’t kill yourself for G-’s sake! Please,” Simon shouted much louder than he intended to. He knew that he should’ve been more like Raphael in that moment; he should’ve been more like the strong composed leader who could seemingly handle anything. However, instead, he was still Simon. He was still a fledging; he was still an 18 year old emotional wreck with tears forming in his eyes and a kind of fear he had never felt before. 

The clan leader was strong. He had always been strong, but now, he wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. 

It was then that Raphael could no longer look the fledgling in the eye. His hands balled into fists by his sides as he clenched his jaw. 

“This is my choice, and I’ve made up my mind,” he said through gritted teeth. “All I️ want is to die peacefully, okay? That’s all I️ want.” 

At that point, Raphael didn’t even seem to be in the same state of distress that he was in before. Instead, it was replaced by something more despondent. Broken; empty, and that alone managed to tear Simon apart from the inside. 

“Please don’t do this,” Simon breathed. 

Raphael didn’t respond. Instead, he simply shut his eyes. Even though Simon’s vision was blurred with tears, he noticed the other wince in pain. 

It was then that he realized that the sun was beginning to rise, and that he needed to get Raphael to safety.


	2. Fragile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon tries to get help for Raphael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this was a pretty quick update and ngl I'm pretty proud of myself.

Raphael did not go down without a fight. It wasn’t until Raphael had started to become weakened from the burns that Simon was able to grab ahold of him. He couldn’t go to the DuMort, not after everything that’s happened. And so, there was only one other place he could think of to go. 

Simon knocked on the door so hard it was surprising that he didn’t break it. 

“Magnus! Magnus, I️ need your help!” Simon screamed, continuing to bang on the door using the hand that wasn’t supporting Raphael. “Magnus!" 

When Magnus opened the door, his eyes widened at the sight, mouth agape with shock. 

“Bring him in,” Magnus said, his tone not revealing how distressed he truly felt as he stepped aside to allow Simon and Raphael to pass through the doorway. 

Simon did as he was told and carried in Raphael’s half conscious body before gently setting him down on the sofa. Raphael groaned in pain before turning his head to the side. Magnus immediately knelt at his side, touching a hand gently to his cheek. 

It wasn’t long before Alec entered. He scanned the room, taking in Simon who was visibly shaking and his boyfriend kneeling next to a body that was so badly burned it took him a moment to even recognize that that was Raphael. 

“What happened?” Magnus asked, turning his head slightly to look at Simon. 

“I️-I️, I️ was was walking and I️…I️ just…he was…and then I️,” Simon stuttered, beginning to hyperventilate, more tears coming. It was like he was just physically unable to form a sentence. His mind was racing and yet he couldn’t seem to focus on anything, really. “Oh my G-“ he said, choking on the word “God” which only worsened his unnecessary rapid breathing. Instinctively, he placed a hand to his throat. 

Surprisingly enough, it was Alec who came to his side, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“Simon, it’s okay. You did the right thing bringing him here, okay? You did the right thing. It’s okay. Just breathe,” Alec uttered softly. His ability to remain calm under pressure was a testament to the kind of leader he was. Perhaps he and Raphael had more in common than they realized. 

With that Simon took a deep exhale and did his best to collect himself, although he still remained visibly shaken. He shook his head, as if trying to shake off what had just happened. 

“I’m sorry. I️ was walking and then I️ saw Raphael. I️ asked him what he was doing out so close to sunrise and he…” he trailed off. He balled his hands into fists and then relaxed them again. He then drew in a breath before speaking again. Physically, he didn’t need to, but he needed to. 

“He told me that he wanted to watch his last sunrise,” Simon finally said. 

Magnus touched his hand tenderly to Raphael’s forehead as if he were a small child that he was checking for a fever. 

“Oh, my poor, sweet boy,” Magnus whispered. He then cleared his throat before releasing his hand and standing. 

“Alexander, retrieve my cell phone. It’s on the dresser. Call Catarina, and let her know it’s urgent,” he said, noticing the way that Simon winced when he declared that it was urgent. 

Alec nodded, patting Simon on the shoulder before disappearing into the bedroom. 

After Alec left, Simon inched closer to Magnus, who was still examining Raphael. The burns were really bad, so even with his supernatural healing, it would still take some time. However, it was still alarming as it didn’t appear that Raphael was healing slowly; he wasn’t healing at all. 

“Why isn’t he healing?” Simon asked nervously. 

Magnus shook his head, chin resting on his index finger and thumb and brows drawn together in contemplation. 

“I’m not quite sure,” the warlock admitted. “My best guess is that he hasn’t been eating.” 

It was then that Magnus was hit with the most dreadful sense of déjà vu. He recalled the day he first met the vampire when he had had to physically restrain him in order to prevent him from allowing the sun’s vibrant rays to claim his life. He remembered the fledgling’s bloodlust being completely out of control and watching in horror as he would go through vicious cycles of feeding on innocent mundanes and later being consumed by guilt and starving himself as a way to repent. 

While he wanted to be there for Raphael, he hated seeing him in so much pain. 

Magnus then turned to Simon. 

“Would you be a dear and get some blood for when Raphael wakes?” Magnus suggested. 

Simon reluctantly nodded. He really didn’t want to leave Raphael’s side, but he figured that it was for the best that he made himself useful somehow, and so he headed out. 

While it was true that Raphael would need blood, that wasn’t the real reason that Magnus sent Simon away. He felt that the walk would be good for him, giving him some time to collect himself. Besides, it was best for the warlock to begin working with minimal distractions. 

Almost as soon as Simon shut the door behind him, Alec emerged from the bedroom once again. 

“She said that she’ll try and get someone to cover her next shift and make it over as soon as she can,” he reported. 

Magnus offered up a pathetic smile. 

“Thank you, Alexander,” he said. 

Alec then moved toward Magnus, and when he was close enough he took Magnus’s hand in his and interlaced their fingers. He then cupped Magnus’s cheek with his other hand. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” Alec asked softly. 

Magnus didn’t say anything at all at first. He simply sighed before eventually releasing himself from the Shadowhunter’s touch. He then turned around to face Raphael again. 

He looked at him pensively as he shook his head. 

“I️ wasn’t there for him like I️ should have been. I️ should’ve known. How did I️ not see this coming?” He asked no one in particular. 

Alec touched Magnus’s shoulder and placed his other arm around his waist, leaning into his ear. 

“Magnus, there’s no way you could’ve known. You can’t blame yourself for this,” he whispered. 

Magnus closed his eyes, a tear escaping and rolling down his cheek. 

“I️ should try to see what I️ can do about the burns until Catarina arrives,” Magnus said. 

Alec then took a step back. 

“Okay. Just let me know if you need anything,” he said. 

Magnus turned around and softly kissed his boyfriend before facing the vampire once again. 

He stretched his arms out and began to move his hands back toward each other, creating a blue cloud of magic which he then cast over Raphael. 

Raphael then groaned again, attempting to move unsuccessfully. 

“Hold still, cariño,” Magnus uttered softly. 

Raphael appeared as if it were a struggle to even move his eyelids as he looked up at Magnus with a pleading expression. He then took a labored breath before attempted. 

“I️-“ Raphael started before being cut off. 

“Shhhh,” Magnus said. “Whatever it is, you can tell me when you’re better.” 

Still, Raphael managed to choke out the words “I’m sorry” before his eyelids fluttered to a close and he drifted back out of consciousness. On one hand, Magnus knew it was a good thing since he wouldn’t have to be in so much pain. Instead, he looked peaceful. Still, the warlock also couldn’t quite hold back as he feared that he would never wake again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof so on that light and happy note, I️ hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'm working on the next one and will try my best to have it posted ASAP.


	3. Terrible Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catarina arrives with devastating news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is sort of a filler but also not. You'll see.

Everyone (except a comatose Raphael) jumped when they heard a knock on the door. It was Magnus who went to answer it, as it was his loft. When he opened the door, he saw a tired looking Catarina offering a gentle smile. He immediately greeted her with a hug. 

“I️ got here as soon as I️ could,” she said, reciprocating the embrace. 

“Thank you,” Magnus whispered before letting go and moving aside to allow her to enter the apartment. 

When she found herself in the living area, she looked toward the kitchen and then back at Magnus. 

“Can I️ speak to you privately?” she asked quietly, although Simon could still here with his vampire hearing. 

Magnus turned his head toward Simon and raised his eyebrows, shooting him a knowing look that essentially meant “no listening in with your supernatural hearing.” Simon responded with a resigned sigh and leaned back in the seat that he was on the edge of. It was with this that Magnus proceeded to escort Catarina into the kitchen. 

“Any ideas as to why he isn’t healing?” she asked. 

Magnus pressed his lips together and solemnly nodded. 

“I️ don’t for sure, but I️ do know that when Raphael goes to a dark place he has some trouble with…eating. I️ suspect that he doesn’t have enough blood in his system for his body to regenerate,” Magnus explained. 

Catarina nodded. She tried to maintain a neutral expression, but Magnus could see the concern painted across her face. He especially knew that it was bad when she gestured for him to take a seat and did the same thing herself. 

Magnus interlaced his fingers in front of him and nervously gazed at his own hands, taking a deep breath and attempting to remain calm. He then looked up at Catarina and met her gaze, giving a slight nod to indicate that he was ready to hear the news. 

“It seems to me that his body is most likely trying to regenerate, but, without blood, he isn’t able to, but as long as his body keeps trying to heal without any success, he’ll only continue to get weaker,” she said in the same tone she uses to break bad news to families at the hospital. It was nothing she wasn’t used to and nothing she hadn’t already done countless times before, but it still always hurt to see the pained expressions on facing or have to console those who broke down into tears. It was even more difficult, however, having to do this to a close friend of hers. While he was trying his hardest to mask it, she knew how much pain Magnus was in. 

Magnus cleared his throat before speaking. 

“So what do we do? How do we save him?” Magnus asked. 

Catarina sighed. Denial. It was the first stage of grief. 

Gently, she took one of Magnus’ hands in her own. 

“Magnus, I know how much he means to you,” she began, speaking slowly. 

“Then help me save him. Please,” Magnus pleaded. 

Catarina had known Magnus for many years. She’d seen him during some of his best times as well as his worst, but she had never heard that amount of desperation in his voice. It was clear that he couldn’t bear to lose Raphael, and she was uncertain how he would ever be able to recover from losing him. 

She took a deep breath and nodded. 

“There is something that I️ can do. I️ could block his natural healing process and then continue working on him, but there’s no guarantee that he would survive it,” she said, placing on emphasis on the fact that he may not survive. 

Magnus nodded, offering up a slight pathetic smile as tears began to roll down his cheeks. 

“I️’ve been alive for many years, Catarina. There is no guarantee of anything, but we have to at least try,” he said. 

She gave his hand a squeeze. 

“There’s just something that I️ need to take care of first,” he announced. 

Catarina nodded. 

“Of course.” 

— 

As tempted as Simon was, he had resisted the urge to listen in to the conversation. Instead, he was by Raphael’s side. He had asked Alec to have a moment alone with him, which Alec respected. 

He began to take deep breaths. He didn’t know exactly why he was so nervous. 

“I don’t know if you can actually hear me or anything, and, if you can, I’m probably not the best person to try and coax you back to the land of the semi living. This probably the absolute lamest thing that I️ could possibly say, but I’m sorry. There’s like probably a whole laundry list of things that I️ should apologize for but I️ just,” Simon trailed off, beginning to fidget with his trembling hands and looking down at them. 

He attempted to collect himself once again, taking more deep breaths that he didn’t technically need until regaining the ability to physically face Raphael again. 

“I️ don’t know what to say or where I’m going with this. Maybe you should wake up just to finally witness the moment where Simon Lewis is speechless,” he said, chuckling slightly to himself as he wiped a tear from his face. 

He then took one of Raphael’s hands in his. 

“I know it’s cliché, but after I️ died I️ realized how much I️ just took life for granted, and then I️ managed to turn around and do the same exact thing to you,” he continued, not even bothering to wipe away the guilty tears as they fell. 

“Look, I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it up to. I don’t even know where to begin at this point, but you gotta give me a chance, Raph. You gotta let me try. Just please,” he said, choking up even more. 

“Please come back,” Simon whispered. 

Catarina walked in to see Simon crouched next to Raphael crying as he desperately repeated the words “come back” over and over again like a mantra. 

She approached him carefully, coming up from behind and gently placing a hand on his shoulder. 

Simon jumped up immediately, springing to his feet and sloppily wiping the tears of his face with his sleeve. 

“Sorry,” he said quickly. 

Catarina shook her head. 

“Don’t be,” she said warmly. “Is it alright if I️ take a look at him?” 

Simon nodded and stepped to the side. 

It wasn’t long before Magnus walked in looking tired. He approached Simon. 

“Thank you so much for bringing Raphael here. You should probably go and get some rest,” Magnus said. 

“Are you sure? I️ really want to just make sure that he’s-“ 

“He’ll be fine, and he’ll still be here in the morning,” Magnus replied. 

Simon simply nodded, resigned, before exiting. 

Catarina rose to her feet once again. 

“You need a moment alone with him?” she asked. 

Magnus nodded, to which she replied by slipping back into the kitchen. 

He knelt down next Raphael and gently placed a hand on his singed cheek. 

“I️ wish you would’ve come to me,” Magnus said. “I️ wish you would you realize that you don’t have to face everything alone. I know how hard it can be to bear the weight of immortality.” 

He then grasped Raphael’s hand. 

“I’m not going to pretend that I know exactly what you’re going through. Afterall, the concept of family has always been strange to me. I️ had been on my own for such a long time. I️ remember when you came into my life. You were annoying, stubborn, sarcastic, and self righteous, not to mention that you and Ragnor were the worst of two. I️ taught you about the downworld, but I️ don’t think you ever realized how much you taught me. You’re like a son to me; you know that. You taught me what family means, and I’ll always be grateful for you, and I’ll always love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I️ know that wasn't great and it was a little bit rushed. I️t didn't turn out quite how I️ wanted, but I️ just really want to get started on the next chapter which I️ will try to have out soon but no promises. Also I️ think that I️ might actually divide what was going to be chapter 4 into two seperate chapters and make the story 6 chapters long but I'm not sure. Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments.


	4. Ungrateful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions run high as Magnus is faced with difficult decisions regarding Raphael.

Magnus’ eyes widened when he opened the door and saw Simon standing there. 

“I️ wasn’t expecting you quite so early,” Magnus remarked as Simon entered the loft. 

“Any progress?” Simon asked as he walked toward Raphael. 

Magnus sighed, trying to figure out exactly what to do next. 

“Now isn’t exactly the best time,” he said slowly, as if calculating each word as to not give away too much information in hopes that Simon would take the hint and leave. 

“Why, what’s going on?” Simon asked. 

Seeing that getting rid of Simon was going to be more difficult than he had anticipated, he shut the door behind him and walked closer to Simon. 

“There are just a couple of things that need to be taken care of,” Magnus responded. 

Simon gave the warlock a puzzled a look. 

“What kind of things?” he pried. 

Almost as if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Magnus sighed as he turned around to get the door. When he answered the door, he attempted to not look tired, painting on an artificial smile. 

“Thank you for coming. Please, come in,” he said. 

When the warlock stepped aside, a short, bald man adorned with a black robe and cross around his neck entered the loft. 

Simon raised an eyebrow and looked the man up and down before looking back at Magnus. 

“Who the hell is he?” Simon asked defensively, gesturing toward the man. 

Both the warlock and the mundane had shocked expressions as a result of Simon’s question. 

“First of all, he’s a priest, so watch your language,” Magnus warned. He then turned the priest. 

“Brother Ezekiel, why don’t you get started while I️ speak with this gentleman in private,” Magnus said politely before glaring at Simon and gesturing toward the kitchen. 

The priest simply nodded and with that the warlock and the vampire both proceeded to the kitchen. 

“What is he doing here?” Simon asked, gesturing toward the door. 

Magnus sighed. He gestured for Simon to have a seat and he complied. He then took a seat himself and rubbed his tired eyes. 

“Brother Ezekiel is here to perform the last rites for Raphael,” Magnus confessed. 

At this news, Simon’s eyes widened and he began to shake his head. 

“I️ don’t understand. Isn’t that like for people who are dying?” Simon asked, but it sounded more like an accusation than a question as he spat out the words along with the bitter taste on his tongue. 

Magnus broke eye contact and looked down at the table before nodding. He heard the audibly vampire gasp. He then looked back up. 

“I️ wasn’t quite sure how to break the news to you, but it does seem like we may have to prepare for the worst,” Magnus said, choking up. 

Despite no longer having a heartbeat or a need to breathe, Simon still could feel a familiar tightening in his chest with a lump in his throat accompanying it. He flexed and relaxed his fingers a few times while focusing on his breathing, attempting to remain calm. Still, all he could manage to say was the word “no”, but it was a word with a multitude of implications backing it. No, this isn’t possible. No, this can’t be happening. No, there has to be another way. No, Raphael isn’t going to die. No, we can’t give up. No, I️ can’t handle this. However all of the meanings of no simply added up to one thing - denial. The disbelief that the worst could even be a feasible possibility.

“I️ know it’s hard, but it is what Raphael would’ve wanted,” Magnus explained. He knew how much Raphael’s faith meant to him. Afterall, it had seemed to be the one thing that motivated him to not give up on himself after becoming a vampire. He knew that if Raphael were to face death again, he would want to do it the right way. While Magnus did not consider himself religious, he still held on to the hope that this would guarantee Raphael the peace that he deserved. 

Simon shook his head as a tear rolled down his cheek. 

“Don’t. Don’t talk about him like he’s already dead,” Simon said. After everything, he felt like he owed it to Raphael to not give up. It was the least he could do. 

“Do you think that any of this is easy for me? Raphael is like a son to me,” Magnus retorted defensively. 

“Then why are you giving up on him?” Simon said, rising to his feet. 

With this, Magnus stood as well. 

“Don’t you dare. I️ have been there for Raphael ever since he was turned. Through every slip, every relapse, everytime that he gave up on himself I️ never once gave up on him,” Magnus seethed. He was only half speaking to Simon, though. He was mostly just assuring himself that he had done everything he needed to, that he had been supportive, that he had been there and that no part of this was his fault, but he didn’t quite manage to convince himself of this. 

Simon shrugged and furrowed his brows. 

“And yet you’re giving up on him right now,” Simon said. 

“You don’t get to talk to me about Raphael like that. You never even cared about him,” Magnus accussed. 

Simon tensed, balling his hands into fists by his sides and clenching his jaw. 

“That’s not true,” Simon protested through gritted teeth, but he sounded more defeated than angry. 

Magnus raised an eyebrow. 

“Really? Because last time I️ checked you were the one who betrayed him. He was tortured by the clave because you released Camille,” Magnus scoffed, pointing a finger at Simon. 

He then gestured toward the room where Raphael was as Simon stood there, stunned like a child being yelled at by their parent as they realized that they finally managed to cross the line. 

“He looked after you. He took care of you when you turned, and then hyou stabbed him in the back and put him through hell. Then you had the nerve to paint him like some kind of villian. After everything you’ve put him through, no wonder he did this to himself!” Magnus snapped. 

Silence. A thick tension filled the air as Simon was physically taken aback. He clenched his jaw and gave a resigned nod, trying to hold back his tears. It didn’t work. 

The thing was that Magnus didn’t truly blame Simon for this. Afterall, it’s not like it was in anyway his fault that Rosa died. And yet, the combination of distress, grief, frustration, sleep deprivation and that fact that Simon was simply there and convient made the words just fly out. 

Magnus sighed. That time, he had crossed the line and he immediately felt the regret that came with it. 

He attempted to take step forward to console Simon, but the vampire simply flinched and moved away from him. 

Before Magnus could even attempt to speak, the vampire was already gone in a flash. The warlock simply sat down and buried his head in his hands. He messed up. 

After the last rites were finished and Alec escorted the priest out, Alec joined Magnus in the kitchen, taking a seat next to him and placing an arm around him. 

“What’s going on?” Alec inquired in a hushed tone. 

Magnus removed his face from his hands and looked up again. He then began to shake his head. 

“I️ messed up, Alexander. I️ just feel like I️ don’t know what I’m doing anymore. There’s a good chance that I️ won’t be able to save Raphael after I️ was the one who wasn’t there when he needed me and then I️ basically blamed poor Sherman for the whole thing,” Magnus confessed. 

Before Alec could even offer words of encouragement, there was another knock on the door. 

“That must be Catarina,” Magnus said. 

Alec released his grasp on Magnus, allowing him to stand and head toward the front door. When he answered, it was, indeed, Catarina. At the sight of Magnus, she could immediately tell that he was up all night. 

“Shall we begin?” Magnus asked after Catarina entered the loft. 

She placed a hand on Magnus’ shoulder. 

“I’ll take it from here. You need to rest,” she instructed. 

Magnus shook his head to which she responded to with a glare. 

“This ritual is more about precision than manpower and you are clearly sleep deprived,” she said. She then turned toward Raphael, still unconcious on the sofa. “I’ll take good care of him; I️ promise. But, right now, you need to take care of yourself.” 

She then directed her attention in the direction of the kitchen and loudly said, “I’m sure Alexander would agree with me.” 

At the sound of his name, Alec came out of the kitchen. 

“Don’t you agree that Magnus should rest?” Catarina suggested. 

After what had just happened with Simon, Magnus knew that his friend was right. It was just that it was difficult to bring himself to leave Raphael’s side. He was overcome by this fear that if he even blinked for too long he would open his eyes and Raphael would be gone. 

Alec looked at Magnus with pleading eyes as he came closer. He took Magnus’ hands in his own. 

“I know you were up all night, and I’m worried,” Alec whispered. 

Magnus looked down to hide the tears that were beginning to form, but he nodded as he was far too tired to even fight them. 

“Alexander, try and get in touch with Sheldon if you can?” he asked. 

Alec nodded. 

“Of course.” 

Magnus then retreated to the bedroom, but not without stealing one last long look at Raphael, hoping with every fiber of his being that it wouldn’t be the last.


	5. human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is forced to confront one of his deepest fears as well as Simon.

“G-. G-d. G-od. G-God. God. Dios. God,” Raphael said with more clarity each time. 

After countless hours of pleas and prayers and frustration, the word came out without getting caught in his throat or burning his tongue. 

He looked up at Magnus, who gave him a warm smile, and met his eyes. 

“I️ said it,” Raphael said in disbelief, almost like a question. 

Magnus nodded. 

That was when Magnus was lucky enough to bear witness to a rare sight. It was even rarer than a vampire regaining the ability to say God’s name. He saw Raphael smile. 

“God. I️ can say God now,” Raphael reaffirmed, as tears began to run down his cheeks. 

Raphael then had a pensive expression on his face, shaking his head. 

“I️ thought that I️ was damned, that I️ was nothing more than a monster,” Raphael said as if he were thinking out loud. 

Magnus shook his head. 

“You are not a monster, Raphael. You never were,” Magnus replied. 

Raphael’s eyes widened in horror as he looked past the warlock instead of at him. He swallowed hard and shook his head in disagreement. 

“I’ve killed people, Magnus,” Raphael stated. 

Magnus squeezed Raphael’s hand and nodded. Raphael looked back at Magnus. 

“What you’ve done…it doesn’t define you. You need to learn to forgive yourself. You are a good man, and your mother would be proud of you,” Magnus replied. 

Raphael stood up at the mention of his mother and made his way to the window, where the curtains were shut. He then placed a hand on the curtain, gently stroking it. 

“Does that mean I️ won’t go to hell when I️ die?” Raphael asked. 

Magnus tilted his head in confusion. 

“What are you talking about? You’re immortal,” Magnus said. 

Raphael continued to stroke the curtain. 

“Everyone dies. Everyone will die, until you have no one. Not even Ragnor. Not even Cat. Not even me,” Raphael said in a completely monotone voice. 

This was beginning to concern Magnus, but as he tried to get up, he found himself completely unable to move. Instead, he had to just sit there, screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs as Raphael slowly peeled back the curtains with steady hands. 

Raphael didn’t scream in agony. He didn’t even so much as flinch. He simply turned around to face Magnus, revealing burns all along his face, neck, and hands. 

“I’m dying, Magnus. And you can’t save me,” Raphael said, his face and voice both expressionless in constrast to Magnus’s tear filled eyes and screams of horror. 

It wasn’t long before Magnus shot up in the bed, clutching at his chest and struggling to catch his breath. He took a moment to scan the room. It had simply been a dream - a cruel and twisted contortion of a fond memory crafted by his subconcious. He was back in the present. He was back in reality, a reality where, much like his dream, Raphael was dying and he could still very well lose everyone else in his life. 

He soon found himself feeling restless, throwing the covers aside and getting up to go into the living room. 

Catarina and Alec turned around, but they weren’t the only two. Surprisingly enough, Simon was there as well. When he faced Magnus’ direction, he couldn’t even look him the eye. Instead, he looked toward the ground and looked back up when he turned to Alec. 

“I️ should go,” Simon said to Alec, stealing a quick look at Magnus. 

Alec opened his mouth to convince Simon to say, but before he could get a word out, it was Magnus who spoke. 

“Don’t. Don’t go, I️ mean. I know that you care for Raphael, so you should be here,” Magnus said. 

Simon shook his head as a tear rolled down his cheek, and he looked at the floor in an attempt to hide it. 

“No, you were right. I️ treated him like crap and if it wasn’t for me-“ 

“Then Raphael would’ve burned to death under the sun,” Magnus interrupted. 

It was with that that Simon finally made eye contact with Magnus. The warlock then made his way closer to the young vampire. 

“I️ didn’t mean any of what I️ said to you. I️ was just so angry. I️ was angry with myself and I️ took it out on you, and that wasn’t fair. It was just so much easier to blame you than it was to blame myself, but none of this is your fault. You saved Raphael. So, thank you. And I’m sorry,” Magnus said. 

Simon nodded. 

“I’m sorry, too. I️ should never have accused you of giving up. I know that that’s the last thing you would ever do,” Simon replied. 

Magnus gave a small smile and slight nod. 

“It’s okay.” 

Magnus’s attention was soon removed from Simon as he audibly gasped at the sight of Raphael. He was lying on the sofa, unconcious, but the burns were completely healed. 

He quickly ran to Raphael’s side, the others parting to make room for him. Gently, he stroked Raphael’s cheek before turning back to Catarina. 

“Why isn’t he waking?” he asked, slightly panicked. 

“I’m sorry,” she started, which did not at all ease Magnus’s anxiety. “I’ve done everything that I️ can. Now, it’s all up to Raphael."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I️ didn't put y'all through total hell this time. Also, look at me with the quick updates! I️ mean, it's lowkey due to me neglecting my responsibilites but we're just going to casually ignore that. Anyway, I️ hope you enjoyed the chapter even though it was shorter than the last few. Also, I know that this story was originally supposed to be 5 chapters long, but I️ am considering adding a 7th chapter/epilogue, but I️ also might not. Either way the story will pretty much conclude in the next chapter. Subscribe if you want updates!


	6. Lead Me Out of the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael is faced with a difficult decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I️ hope you enjoy.

When Raphael’s eyes fluttered open, he found himself staring at the ceiling. He quickly shot up, noticing that he was on a sofa in Magnus’s loft. He turned his body around to see the sofa opposite of him, where he saw Simon crouched down and holding the hand of an unconcious body and sobbing. He felt even more alarmed when he recognized the body as himself, causing him to jump back. 

Still, he instinctually inched toward Simon, placing a hand on his shoulder to fulfill the basic need for Simon to be okay. 

“It’s okay,” Raphael said, to which Simon had no reaction. Instead, he continued to look at the unconcious Raphael. 

“Listen, Raph, if you can hear me, then please, you gotta pull through. You just have to pull through for us,” Simon whispered. 

Raphael then shook his head. 

“I️ can hear you. Simon, I’m right here. Simon!” he said to know avail. 

“He can’t hear you. Not from here,” a voice said from behind Raphael. 

On one hand, Raphael recognized the voice; he couldn’t forget that voice in a million years, but, on the other hand, he knew it was impossible. Still, he remained hopeful as he turned around ever so slowly, only to see exactly who he thought it was. 

“Ragnor!” Raphael exclaimed. 

Ragnor smirked. 

“That’s my name. Don’t wear it out,” Ragnor teased. 

Raphael looked at the warlock with wide, tear filled eyes and shook his head in disbelief. It was really Ragnor Fell standing there in front of him. 

“Dios, it’s so good to see you!” Raphael said. 

Ragnor sighed, a pensive expression on his face. He then shook his head disapprovingly, causing Raphael’s heart to sink down into his chest. 

“I️ wish I️ could say the same,” Ragnor replied quietly, feeling slightly pained from the dejected look on the vampire’s face. 

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” Raphael asked. 

Ragnor threw his arms up dramatically.

“What’s wrong? You’re on your bloody deathbed for Christ’s sake!” he hollered. 

He then took a deep breath before coming closer to Raphael. Gently, he placed a hand on Raphael’s shoulder. 

“I’m not angry with you, you know that. But you know you have to go back,” Ragnor whispered, gesturing toward Simon and Raphael. 

Raphael sighed. He knew it was the right thing to do, but goddamnit he was tired of doing the right thing. He was just so tired. He was ready to watch his last sunrise and peacefully fade into oblivion. 

Raphael then made his way back to the sofa that he woke up on and took a seat. Ragnor followed him and sat down next to him. 

For a moment, he looked longingly at Simon who hadn’t moved. He appeared as if he hadn’t slept in days, and that alone broke something in Raphael. 

Raphael shook his head pensively. 

“I️ didn’t mean to cause this. He wasn’t supposed to find me like that. They weren’t supposed to know,” Raphael reflected. 

Ragnor placed a hand on the other’s knee. 

“It’s a good thing that your boyfriend found you!” Ragnor said. 

Raphael raised his eyebrows and quickly stood up from the couch. 

“Oh, no, no. The fledgling is most definitely not my boyfriend,” Raphael corrected. 

This earned a chuckle from Ragnor. While Raphael was still annoyed, it felt good to hear his old friend laugh. He didn’t even realize how much he’d missed that. 

“Well, whatever you wish to call this painfully obvious mutual pining, it’s alright to allow yourself to be happy, Raphael,” Ragnor said. 

Raphael gazed at Simon. He clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists at his sides. 

“He betrayed me. I️ can’t trust him,” he explained. 

Ragnor clicked his tongue as he rested his chin in his hand. 

“Ah, yes, that does quite complicate things, doesn’t it? But you still clearly care about him and Rome was not built in a day,” Ragnor said. 

Raphael didn’t respond. He simply looked down before shutting his eyes tightly as if holding back tears. This prompted Ragnor to continue speaking. 

“And, besides, what about Magnus?” Ragnor inquired. 

Raphael looked up at Ragnor and shook his head. 

“Magnus will be fine. He can take care of himself,” Raphael urged. 

With this, Ragnor raised an eyebrow, eyes widening in shock at the other’s words. 

“Take care of himself? Oh, pardon me, I️ must be mistaken. I️ thought we were talking about Magnus Bane not this other logical, competent Magnus you seem to know of,” Ragnor joked. 

This caused Raphael to laugh, something he hadn’t done in a long time. He couldn’t deny the fact that it felt good. Talking to Ragnor made it almost feel like old times. 

Ragnor smiled, glad to have earned a chuckle from the other. 

“But, jokes aside, he needs you to go back. And he isn’t the only person you should be going back for,” Ragnor said. 

Raphael sighed and gave a resigned nod. 

“I know, the clan,” Raphael acknowledged. 

Ragnor shook his head. 

“No, just the clan. I’m talking about you. You will always miss your sister and your old life, but you won’t always feel like this. It’s worth living, so just give it a shot,” Ragnor encouraged. 

Raphael looked again toward his own body lying there, where Simon still remained by his side. That time, there was a tear that he couldn’t quite fight. 

“I don’t know if I️ can,” Raphael admitted, turning back to Ragnor. 

The warlock gave him a look of sympathy, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“Well, I’ve got enough confidence in you for the both of us,” he said. “I’ve seen you during some of your darkest times. You are so much stronger than you even realize.” 

Slowly, Raphael began to inch his way over to his physical body. There was clearly a lot of apprehension, and, frankly, he hadn’t even really made up his mind. He was more so testing than anything else. 

He then stopped in his tracks and whirled around to look at Ragnor. 

“Wait, but what about you?” Raphael asked. 

Ragnor gave an exaggerated shrug. 

“What about me?” Ragnor shrugged. 

Raphael gestured behind him. 

“I️f I️ go back there, then that means I’ll never see you again,” he contemplated. 

Ragnor came closer and lightly touched a hand to the other’s cheek before wiping away a tear. 

“And here I️ thought you weren’t the sentimental type,” Ragnor teased, attempting to lighten the mood so it wouldn’t be quite as difficult as it was. 

“I️ just lost my sister and now I️’m losing you all over again,” Raphael said. 

Ragnor nodded solemnly. 

“I️ really am sorry it has to be like this. But you would lose so much more by not going back. And, besides, you never really lost me, Raphael.” 

At that point, Raphael fully embraced Ragnor, wrapping his arms around him and burying in his head in the other’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while before Ragnor held the other at arm’s length. 

“Alright then. Are you ready?” Ragnor asked. 

Raphael sighed. 

“I️ suppose I’m just about as ready as I’ll ever be,” he said. 

Ragnor offered up a slight smile, but he couldn’t entirely mask that the moment was bittersweet for him too. The warlock then held up a fist, his knuckles pointing toward Raphael. 

“One last time?” He asked. 

The vampire felt a mixture of happy and sad tears as he fist bumped the other. 

He then made his way over to the other side of the sofa and looked down at his body. This was it. As he began to touch his shoulder with a trembling hand, he heard Ragnor say, “take care! And tell Magnus that the facial hair looks dreadful!” 

Raphael then chuckled slightly as he closed his eyes and braced himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know that this was supposed to be the last chapter but there will be a 7th chapter because it turns out that I'm a filthy liar. Okay, not exactly, but basically what happened is that I️ liked the plot points for this chapter and the next better as stand alone chapters than one all squished together so now you're getting 7 chapters of what was supposed to be a 5 chapter story. Sorry! Anyway, I️ hope you liked this chapter. If you did, please let me know somehow (comment, leave kudos, you know the drill). Also don't forget to subscribe so you can get the update for the last chapter.


	7. See You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael finally wakes up.

Simon jumped up immediately when he noticed the unconscious vampire’s eyelashes move. 

“Raphael?” Simon asked, more like a plea than a question, a glimmer of hope, a one word prayer. 

Simon gave a relieved sigh when he saw Raphael’s eyes open fully. 

Slowly, Raphael pushed himself up and sat up, groaning slightly in pain although it was nothing like before. If anything, he more so just felt sore and weak. 

Quickly, Simon sat down next to Raphael. 

“Oh thank God!” he exclaimed. 

Raphael turned toward Simon and raised an eyebrow. 

“What did you just say?” Raphael asked. 

Simon looked down at his hands before looking at the other again. 

“Oh, I️ just meant like thank God that you’re alive and okay because the burns were pretty bad and I️ was getting really worried that you wouldn’t-“ 

Raphael rolled his eyes at the other’s rambling as he cut him off. 

“No, you idiot, I️ mean you just said God,” Raphael pointed. 

Simon blinked and nodded. He still seemed a bit jumpy and on edge. Perhaps the clan leader should’ve been a bit more patient with the fledgling as it was clear that he was sleep deprived. 

“Oh, oh, oh, that! Yeah, I️ uh- I️ sorta spent a lot of time praying while you were out. I️ mean like I️ hope that’s okay and doesn’t offend you or anything because I️ was just really afraid and-“ 

“No,” Raphael interrupted. “I️ actually appreciate it. It means a lot.” 

Simon nodded, making eye contact with Raphael for a split second before looking away and jumping up from the couch. 

“Right then, so I️’ll go let Magnus know that you’re awake and then don’t worry I’ll be out of your way,” Simon said. 

“Simon, wait. You don’t have to. Go, I️ mean. You can stay if you want,” Raphael said. 

Simon was taken aback slightly, eyes widening. If it wasn’t for his supernatural hearing, he would have assumed that he had misheard the other. After everything he assumed that Raphael wouldn’t want anything to do with him and understandably so. He didn’t know what to say, so he simply nodded before going toward the bedroom. 

He knocked furiously and after a little while Magnus opened the door. 

“Simon? You’re still here? What time is it?” Magnus asked rubbing his eyes. 

“He’s awake,” Simon simply stated. 

Magnus didn’t even say anything else. He simply pushed past Simon, not believing his eyes as he rushed to Raphael’s side. 

He sat down on the couch next to the other and wrapped his arms around him. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Magnus whispered, squeezing the vampire tighter, holding on to him as if he were afraid to let go. 

After finally letting go, he took a moment to just look at the other. 

“I’m sorry, Magnus. I️ didn’t mean to scare you like that,” Raphael said. 

Magnus shook his head, touching a hand to Raphael’s face. 

“My sweet boy, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m just so thankful that you’re safe,” Magnus replied. 

Before the two had even noticed that Simon left in the first place, he returned with a glass of blood and offered it to Raphael. Carefully, Raphael took the glass in his hand, looking up at Simon during the split second that their hands touched. In that moment, he thought about what Ragnor had said before shaking it off and thanking Simon before taking a sip of the blood. 

Raphael then scooted over a bit toward Magnus and gestured for Simon to sit down next to him. He and Simon still had a lot of things they needed to work out, but, just for that moment, he was willing to set it aside. Just for that one moment, he could feel Ragnor smiling at him. Just for that moment, everything felt okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, so that's it. That's the end. I️ just want to say thank you to all of my readers. Y'all have been so wonderful. Your comments have meant the absolute world to me. I've honestly never been so sad to end a story before. I️ really just can't thank you all enough. 
> 
> That being said, if you enjoyed this story, please leave kudos if you have not already! 
> 
> Also, I️ do have other fics, so please check out my profile and read some of them so that this doesn't have to be the end of our journey together.

**Author's Note:**

> I️ hope you liked this chapter! If you did, please leave kudos, comment, and subscribe to stay up to date with the story! I️ will try to update as quickly as possible.


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